Someone suggested that I keep going with my novel. They said they liked what they read so far and it sounded like a great teen novel. I was told not to give up and continue to look for a home for it.
Well, I will be honest, the idea is very tempting. However, then the excuses start following. The book stinks. The ending is horrific. It starts at the start of a school year (which is a big no-no). BDoub’s mom is a hot mess and I need to clean her up a bit.
Then I have the more practical excuses. I am teaching again and that is taking up a lot of my time. I’ve been sick ever since I started teaching again. I have to plan lessons and activities for a grade I never taugh before ever. I need to make more money, so I need to find a second, third, and tenth job. (However, the need to make more money is purely selfish reasons. I want to travel more. I want to go back to London. I want a historical house and a new car.)
Basically I am filled with excuses. I promised myself when I went back into teaching I would not forget my writer self (and what am I doing? Forgetting my writer self).
I have to find the real issue here.
The first is, of course, Meredith never leaves me alone. I am afraid if I start working on her story again, she will bug the heck out of me and I will never sleep. I can’t deal with a new job, a new class of ten year olds with no sleep.
The second is, what if I am seriously good at this whole writing thing? Is it possible to find your purpose in life? What do you do when you have found your purpose? Does that mean time is up and you die?
In a nutshell I am afraid of being rejected, but I am more afraid of not being rejected. It doesn’t make sense, I know, but it is how my mind works.
I know that my one purpose in life is to teach. The proof is in that one giggle I haven’t heard in about two years, but I know it is still out there. But what if my second purpose is really to be a writer? I am so used to struggling for everything that I can’t possibly imagine a life in which I have it all. What would I do then?
So, I am left with about 250 pages of a novel sitting in my computer just waiting for me. I am a curious person by nature, so I know that will go back to it and start revamping it. However, I am basically afraid.
It sounds so stupid as I write it, but it is what it is.